Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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