We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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