I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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