Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
