I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.