Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?