am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
