yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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