rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
