I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My feet surprised me
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