4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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