I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize