i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
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On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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