I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
