is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
