The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
