There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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