M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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