i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
