Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
