we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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