My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
