my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
