I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
