I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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