i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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