good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
