Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
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we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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