I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
