Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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