Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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