im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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