When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
