I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
