hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
