So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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