Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The Olympian is in my bed
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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