I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
