I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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