i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
