I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
