I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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