Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
