Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize