My Higher Power is John Stamos
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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