im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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