A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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