Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
