my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
