I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
