i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
