So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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