thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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