Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements