you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
