How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
