Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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