I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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