my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
