just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
That was before I lit my hair on fire
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
