I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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