You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
