my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
