I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
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Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
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A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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