Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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