I accidentally had phone sex last night
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
