How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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